Well, this is the third time trying this. The last two times, my blogs mysteriously disappeared after so many posts, which means the people running this site don't have the capacity(or expertise) to hold more than a certain number of actual blog posts on a single blog before the blog goes, POOF! A shame! But I'm a tenacious one!
Have any good jokes, you know, the really funny ones that are in good taste(subject to interpretation). If so, you may post them here.
Got Jokes?
Well, this is the third time trying this. The last two times, my blogs mysteriously disappeared after so many posts, which means the people running this site don't have the capacity(or expertise) to hold more than a certain number of actual blog posts on a single blog before the blog goes, POOF! A shame! But I'm a tenacious one!
Have any good jokes, you know, the really funny ones that are in good taste(subject to interpretation). If so, you may post them here.
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Mutual Attraction
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
It's and old joke.... but what can I say!! I'm just ol'school like that... hope you like it!... You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.... Chris Rock!
It's and old joke.... but what can I say!! I'm just ol'school like that... hope you like it!... You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.... Chris Rock!
Two couples were playing poker one evening. > > > Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When > he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue > wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon > trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-> > faced. > > Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. > Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you > like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well
> indeed he did. > > She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you > $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
> costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. > > Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons > and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday > afternoon. > > When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house > at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went > to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. > > Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from > work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by > the house this afternoon?' > > With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did > stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' > > Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly > asked, 'And did he give you $500?' > > Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, > in fact he did give me $500.' > > Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife > by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from > > me. > He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay > me back.' > > Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. > > > Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When > he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue > wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon > trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-> > faced. > > Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. > Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you > like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well
> indeed he did. > > She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you > $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
> costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. > > Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons > and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday > afternoon. > > When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house > at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went > to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. > > Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from > work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by > the house this afternoon?' > > With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did > stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' > > Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly > asked, 'And did he give you $500?' > > Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, > in fact he did give me $500.' > > Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife > by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from > > me. > He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay > me back.' > > Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
Insurance Policy
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
Jodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde."
Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
The Blonde Kidnapper
Jodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde."
Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f*** can't they play at night
This is why I LOVE Italians...
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f*** can't they play at night
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Aging Humor
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Who would have thought the economy would get this bad...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
Economic Woes
Who would have thought the economy would get this bad...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
